Over my past twenty years as a Star Wars fan, I have done some very extreme things to satiate my weird sense of loyalty to George Lucas’ branding empire. Whether driving through a Tuesday night to listen to Rian Johnson and Mark Hamill in a different city or waiting outside the theatre to buy physical tickets for The Force Awakens, I take an almost-gross sense of pride in the lengths I am willing to go as a Lucasfilm fanboy.
Gross is now the operative word.
I don’t know what prompted the idea. It was either a Harrison-Ford-esque, devil-may-care attitude or the fact that I didn’t learn my lesson in 2015 with The Hobbit’s Radagast Red Velvet Pancakes, but it is now safe to say that I severely underestimated how bad a Solo: A Star Wars Story themed menu at Denny’s could be.
Two words: Pop Rocks.
Now, I am unsure which marketing genius at the Denny’s Corporation thought this was a good idea. The fact that it was even a consideration startles me. And, don’t let the name fool you … the generically Star-Warsy “Crystal Crunch Rocks” are probably meant to elicit thoughts of hearts made of Kyber or black holes littering the Kessel Run. Instead, they mostly just elicit a general feeling of discomfort.
Pulling up to the closest Denny’s in Dallas, my co-pilot Jason and I prepared ourselves for the mission ahead: we would be ordering (and eating) every item on the assumedly Ron-Howard-approved special menu. I still don’t know why. (I also dragged my girlfriend to this. As of this writing, she has not broken up with me over that night’s dining selection so let’s just keep our collective fingers crossed.)
With a sense of shame (and a coordinated effort to not tip off our waitress that we were just ordering off the Star Wars list), we indeed rattled off everything on that menu (besides sets of the Topps-exclusive trading cards) and dived in. Here’s what we learned … although it is still to be determined if we actually gleaned anything the plot of the upcoming film:
Co-Reactor Pancake Breakfast: It starts simple enough. Two diner-staple pancakes, topped with fresh strawberries, sauce and whipped cream. But then they decide to throw on those damn Crystal Crunches and a warm citrus sauce and it all goes to hell. I can only assume that the movie will include a scene of Han Solo and Chewbacca meeting for the first time, sharing a meal that literally tries to explode in your mouth. The strawberries were fine.
Blaster Fire Burger: For all the joking in this piece, this is actually a pretty good burger. Maybe it’s because it didn’t have any Crystal Crunches in it or maybe it was the added spice that really made me feel like I was part of the Star Wars galaxy, but I would order this again (if I ever dared step back into a Denny’s). It is just a simple burger with chipotle Gouda cheese, bacon, and Ghost Pepper sauce, along with lettuce, tomato, red onions and pickles on a brioche bun. I am looking forward to seeing this in the movie, maybe as one of the dishes that Lando prepares for his late night guests on the Millenium Falcon.
Lightspeed Slam: I think this was good? It was just some egg whites scrambled with fresh spinach and grape tomatoes, two turkey bacon strips, an English muffin and fruit. A surprisingly healthy alternative that does not taste like how I assumed Lightspeed tastes, which might just be a tease into Han’s steady diet as an Imperial cadet.
Two Moons Skillet: A fitting eulogy to Chewbacca’s death in the Expanded Universe by getting crushed by a giant moon, the mixture of ham, spinach, sautéed mushrooms and hash browns, topped with a Gouda cheese sauce and eggs was surprisingly bad. How do you mess this up? (We still ate it all.)
And that’s it. It seemed like a lot more when it’s all just staring you in the face on your table. The next day, however, two of the three diners reported longer-than-normal Kessel Runs.
In short: don’t go to Denny’s and don’t eat any of these menu items. (But, despite the Runs, we are still looking forward to Solo and still planning on tackling whatever Episode 9 confectionary disaster that IHOP is already planning.)
